Determine what went wrong.
Did you say something
insensitive? Did you fail to come through on a promise? Was the offense
recent or long ago? You can't apologize effectively if you don't know
what you've done wrong.
If you don't think you did anything wrong, then express regret or sadness for the feeling that someone is experiencing as a result of what you did. If the effect was unintended, the basis of the apology often lies in not having foreseen how your actions would affect this person, realizing that the benefits of the action did not outweigh the unforeseen consequences, and wanting to compensate for your oversight. However, if the other person does think you did something wrong, just apologizing for the effect, and not acknowledging that you did something wrong, may mean the two of you can't reach understanding.
Understand that if your error was in offending someone, whether or not you were right is irrelevant. You might have pointed out a very real flaw, but keep in mind that you're apologizing for making the other person feel bad. Don't dwell on the truthfulness of your actions in that case - it's beside the point, and can be discussed later when everyone is calmed down.
If you don't think you did anything wrong, then express regret or sadness for the feeling that someone is experiencing as a result of what you did. If the effect was unintended, the basis of the apology often lies in not having foreseen how your actions would affect this person, realizing that the benefits of the action did not outweigh the unforeseen consequences, and wanting to compensate for your oversight. However, if the other person does think you did something wrong, just apologizing for the effect, and not acknowledging that you did something wrong, may mean the two of you can't reach understanding.
Understand that if your error was in offending someone, whether or not you were right is irrelevant. You might have pointed out a very real flaw, but keep in mind that you're apologizing for making the other person feel bad. Don't dwell on the truthfulness of your actions in that case - it's beside the point, and can be discussed later when everyone is calmed down.
Understand that apologizing is NOT about you.
It is
NOT about whether or not it was right to blame you. It is NOT about who
was at fault or who should be blamed. It is about the person and the
pain they went through. Whether or not it's justified to blame you or
anyone else is totally besides the point, and trying to fit explanations
into your apologies is undermining the point of the apology - it's to
make the person who was wronged feel better so that they can calm down
and discuss with you. You can explain the situation later when everyone
is cooled down, but when you are apologizing, focus on the other person,
not on you.
When you are apologizing, there are NO excuses. It's very possible that other people or circumstances contributed to the situation (that is usually the case), but you cannot apologize for them; you can only apologize for yourself, so leave them out of it, no matter how unfair that may seem (see the point above). If the need arose, you can always explain further at a later time to clarify what actually happened.
An incomplete apology often feels more like an insult, because it implies that you don't see the other person's pain as valid enough to put in sincere feeling and effort.
When you are apologizing, there are NO excuses. It's very possible that other people or circumstances contributed to the situation (that is usually the case), but you cannot apologize for them; you can only apologize for yourself, so leave them out of it, no matter how unfair that may seem (see the point above). If the need arose, you can always explain further at a later time to clarify what actually happened.
An incomplete apology often feels more like an insult, because it implies that you don't see the other person's pain as valid enough to put in sincere feeling and effort.
Choose the right time to apologize.
Sometimes
immediately after your mistake is best; sometimes it's better to wait.
The sting of a harsh word can be cooled right away with a quick apology,
but other offenses might need the other person to cool down before they
are willing to even listen to your next sentence. However, the sooner
you apologize for your mistake,
the more likely it will be viewed as an error in judgment and not a
character flaw. The longer you wait to apologize, the more difficult it
may be to ever mend the relationship.
Start off with what went wrong.
Start off with what went wrong.
Begin the apology by
specifying your offenses and the feelings your actions may have caused.
Be detailed about the incident so that the other person knows exactly
what you're apologizing for.
Make it a point to avoid using the words "but" or "if". ("I am sorry, but..." means "I am not truly sorry about your pain and wanting to make you feel better, I am actually trying to get blame off me"). Even if others contributed to the problem, you can't apologize for them - only for you. No one will hold it against you, and you can explain what really happened later.
Do not say "I'm sorry you feel that way" or "I'm sorry if you were offended." Be sorry for what you did - and the pain you caused. "I'm sorry you feel that way" makes it seem like you are blaming the other person for feeling bad, and is not a real apology. Validate their feelings or discomfort by acknowledging your transgression's (potential) effects, while taking responsibility. It would be acceptable to put "I'm sorry, if I could redo it I would".
Make it a point to avoid using the words "but" or "if". ("I am sorry, but..." means "I am not truly sorry about your pain and wanting to make you feel better, I am actually trying to get blame off me"). Even if others contributed to the problem, you can't apologize for them - only for you. No one will hold it against you, and you can explain what really happened later.
Do not say "I'm sorry you feel that way" or "I'm sorry if you were offended." Be sorry for what you did - and the pain you caused. "I'm sorry you feel that way" makes it seem like you are blaming the other person for feeling bad, and is not a real apology. Validate their feelings or discomfort by acknowledging your transgression's (potential) effects, while taking responsibility. It would be acceptable to put "I'm sorry, if I could redo it I would".
Say sorry.
Use direct,
declarative statements. "I am sorry for offending you" is a good example
because it takes full responsibility, while "I am sorry if I offended
you" is not direct and implies that you aren't even sure if you offended
them (when it's obvious you did), which says a lot to them about how
much you actually care about their feelings.
Understand that just saying "please forgive me" does not qualify as a true apology. That's not even admitting you were in the wrong. Many people use the term "please forgive me" as a path to avoid responsibility. Instead, be sincere and show that you are truly sorry of what you did, and you would like to repair your relationship with the person.
Understand that just saying "please forgive me" does not qualify as a true apology. That's not even admitting you were in the wrong. Many people use the term "please forgive me" as a path to avoid responsibility. Instead, be sincere and show that you are truly sorry of what you did, and you would like to repair your relationship with the person.
Make amends.
Think about what caused you to make the
offense. Is it because you're a little too laid-back about being on
time, or remembering important dates? Is it because you tend to react
instantly to certain comments, without pausing to consider an
alternative point of view? Is it because you are unhappy with your life,
and you unknowingly take it out on others? Find the underlying problem,
describe it to the person without pointing fingers at anyone else, and
tell them what you intend to do to rectify that problem so that you can
avoid this mistake in the future:
End with gratitude. Express your appreciation for the role that they play in your life, emphasizing that you do not want to jeopardize or damage the relationship. This is the time to briefly recount what has created and sustained the bond over time and tell loved ones that they are indeed loved. Describe what your life would be missing without their trust and their company.
Request forgiveness. Ask if they will give you another chance to make up for what you did wrong. Tell them you'd love to show them that you've learned from your mistake, and that you will take action to change and grow as a result, if they will let you. Make a clear request for forgiveness and wait for their answer. This gives the injured party the well deserved "power" in determining the outcome of the situation.
Be patient. If an apology is not accepted, thank them for hearing you out and leave the door open for if they wish to reconcile later. (E.g. "I understand you're still upset about it, but thanks for giving me the chance to apologize. If you ever change your mind, please give me a call.") Sometimes people want to forgive you, but they still need a little time to cool off. If you are lucky enough for your apology to be accepted:
Remember, just because someone accepts your apology doesn't mean they've fully forgiven you. It can take time, maybe a long time, before the injured party can completely let go and fully trust you again. There is little you can do to speed this process up, but there are endless ways to bog it down. If the person is truly important to you, it's worth it to give them the time and space they need to heal. Don't expect them to go right back to acting normally immediately. At the same time, don't let someone hang this over your head for the rest of your life. The same way you need to learn how to apologize, they need to learn how to forgive.
End with gratitude. Express your appreciation for the role that they play in your life, emphasizing that you do not want to jeopardize or damage the relationship. This is the time to briefly recount what has created and sustained the bond over time and tell loved ones that they are indeed loved. Describe what your life would be missing without their trust and their company.
Request forgiveness. Ask if they will give you another chance to make up for what you did wrong. Tell them you'd love to show them that you've learned from your mistake, and that you will take action to change and grow as a result, if they will let you. Make a clear request for forgiveness and wait for their answer. This gives the injured party the well deserved "power" in determining the outcome of the situation.
Be patient. If an apology is not accepted, thank them for hearing you out and leave the door open for if they wish to reconcile later. (E.g. "I understand you're still upset about it, but thanks for giving me the chance to apologize. If you ever change your mind, please give me a call.") Sometimes people want to forgive you, but they still need a little time to cool off. If you are lucky enough for your apology to be accepted:
Remember, just because someone accepts your apology doesn't mean they've fully forgiven you. It can take time, maybe a long time, before the injured party can completely let go and fully trust you again. There is little you can do to speed this process up, but there are endless ways to bog it down. If the person is truly important to you, it's worth it to give them the time and space they need to heal. Don't expect them to go right back to acting normally immediately. At the same time, don't let someone hang this over your head for the rest of your life. The same way you need to learn how to apologize, they need to learn how to forgive.
Stick to your word.
A
true apology entails a resolution, and you have to carry out your
promise in order for the apology to be sincere and complete. Otherwise,
your apologies will lose their meaning, and trust may disappear beyond
the point of no return.
Be Inspired!
Be Inspired!
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