As
a counselor, I get a lot of questions about what kind of things should be taken
seriously enough in dating to calling off a relationship. Of course everyone
has different preferences with regard to relationships, and there’s nothing
wrong with that. But preferences and deal-breakers are very different
things. Some things are just a no-go, no matter how you try to look
at them.
Over
time, what I have observed from my experience and some couples is that there
are some qualities and characteristics that should never be looked over, no
matter how many other things line up.
Deceit
The
number one deal-breaker when it comes to any relationship is deceit. If
you can’t build a relationship on truth, then you have no relationship.
If you find yourself in a relationship in which you are lied to or
continually questioning the truth, my advice to you is this: RUN!
Addictions
Most
people think of alcohol and drugs when it comes to the deal-breaker of
addiction. But there is so much more to the range of addiction that needs
to be observed before you engage in a dating relationship. Addiction can
come in the form of financial irresponsibility (gambling), sexual struggles
(pornography), food (compulsive binging or purging), etc. I am in no way
saying that these struggles make someone unworthy of relationships, I am simply
saying these struggles need to be dealt with first. Healthy people make
healthy relationships, there’s no getting around it.
Abuse
When
it comes to deal breakers, there shouldn’t be a hint of sexual, emotional,
verbal, or physical abuse. Using sex, emotions, words, or physical touch
to gain control or power over another person is absolutely out of the question.
Add to that list the sly manipulation of spiritual abuse- using God or
His word for selfish gain. Never make excuses for this type of behavior-
and get yourself out.
Rage/Anger
How
a person handle’s their emotions says a lot about that person. Rage is a
sign that there are some major deficits when it comes to emotional management.
If you see signs of rage this early on in a relationship, the forecast is
likely very…very bad. Break the deal before you’re in too deep.
Codependency
Codependent
people base their confidence, and self-esteem on the people around them.
They are clingy, needy, and desperate for affection and love- no matter
the cost. But the reality is that healthy people don’t need each other,
they choose each other. Don’t ever mistake the dysfunction of need, for the
beautiful gift of true love.
Avoidance
Though
you’ll never meet the perfect person, you should pursue someone who knows their
imperfections, and is ready and willing to discuss and deal with these things. Avoidant
people shrink from dealing with any topic that has to do with feelings or
conflict. Communication is the life-line of a relationship; avoidance will
never allow for that life to take root.
Control
For
a healthy relationship to exist there has to be a component of freedom.
When two people live in trust with one another, their relationship
automatically exudes freedom. The opposite of this is control. One
or both individuals trying to control the other, who they can spend time with,
talk to, and see, how they spend their time, their money, their emotions and what
they can buy, wear, or be a part of. Control is a sign that something is
not as it should be in the relationship. It’s a major deal-breaker.
Lacking
Boundaries
I
get emails all the time from men and ladies frustrated at their partner’s lack
of boundaries with people - specifically, people of the opposite sex. I
always advise that this is something that MUST be dealt with in order for the
relationship to continue on. If you’ve addressed this issue in your relationship
and nothing has changed, then it’s time to really consider where you fall on
your priority list and on the priority list of the people around you. If
there are signs of this in your current relationship, you better believe it
will only be magnified when you enter into a marriage. So speak now, or
forever hold your peace.
Self-Absorption
Though
this may sometimes be delicate, it’s deadly when it comes to long term
relationships. Self-absorption is essentially declaring that you are more
important than anyone else. In dating, this can come across as someone
who is only focused on their wants and needs in a relationship, neglecting
their partner. Someone who is always right. Someone who is
self-centered, vain, or narcissistic. The root of it all is the same- a
fixation with self. This is poison in any relationship, and even more
deadly when we’re talking about a life-long one. Get…out…while…you…can…
Passive
Someone
who is passive allows life to happen rather than directing the course of their
life. Passivity is typically rooted in insecurity, but manifests in a lack
of goals, motivation, desires, and opinions. It’s someone who repeatedly
“doesn’t know” or “doesn’t care” and allows you to constantly take the lead.
It’s a person who is lacking initiative and drive in parts or most areas
of their life. I don’t know about you, but I think one of the worst kinds
of relationships is one in which you feel like you are in it alone.
For
me, when it came to discovering love and choosing a life partner- one thing is
for certain, I will marry a lady who holds the same values and beliefs like me.
But the unfortunate thing is that
the title “Christian” doesn’t always translate to healthy.
The
signs of God truly at work in someone’s life manifest themselves in qualities
of health and wholeness (Galatians
5:22),
a list completely direct opposite to the list above. Don’t ever settle
for someone who simply speaks good things–look for someone who lives those
things out. Of course every relationship is made of two, broken, sinful people.
You don’t have to be perfect, but there are things you will have to work
through in order to have a healthy relationship.
Marriage
is a life-long commitment to someone who vows to love, honor, and cherish you
for the rest of their lives.
If you’re not seeing those things in your dating relationship, you’re
never going to see them in a future marriage. It’s time to come to terms with
the reality of where your relationship is, and break the deal before it breaks
you.
God
Bless You
Be
Inspired!
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