Dear Christian Single,
I
get it. Dating seems complicated. You flood my inbox every day with a
list of your seriously legitimate (well…mostly) questions.
How do I know if this is the one?
Is there even such thing as “the one”?
Does God want me to be single?
Is (insert name of your significant other) right for me?
Should I ask him out or is that too forward?
Which is better- dating or courtship?
I read your questions, and I feel your struggle. Trust me; there was time in my life when I was just as
confused as anyone else. I had no idea what to believe or where to start. And
so I empathize with you, because part of the problem has nothing to do with you
and everything to do with the culture we’ve created around dating and
relationships in general.
The “Christian culture” has done quite a number on
this topic, hasn’t it?
We’ve
complicated it. We’ve added a ton of rules, and spread them with even more
rules. We’ve taken preferences, and claimed that they were “the Godly way” to
do things. We’ve camped out on opposite sides of the playing field: kissing
dating goodbye, and then wanting it back. And we’ve taken all the fun out of
it…but most of all, we’ve take God out of it, too.
As a coach, I’ve been deep in the world of
relationships over the past few years. So,
I want to throw some thoughts and observations out there that I’ve found
helpful in simplifying this topic and how to approach it as a Christians.
Remember that there is no such thing as “Christian
dating.” We only have Christians who date.
One of the most confusing things we can do for ourselves is to categorize
things by the Christian subtitle. The word Christian is not an adjective
used to describe media, or clothing, or music- it’s a group of people; people
who are committed to living a life that is infused with God’s love. When
it comes to dating, it would do us well to see it as an avenue toward getting
to know God’s people as we pursue God’s big picture for our lives. Just
like anything else we do in this life,
dating is also a way that we can reflect God to the people we come in contact
with. Let’s take the pressure off and see it this way.
Don’t
take it too seriously.
Now
that we’ve put aside the concept of “Christian dating”, we should probably also put aside the notion that dating
must equal marriage. Talk about some serious pressure, people!!! If
we only go on dates based on our perception that a person has to have the
qualities of our life-long partner, very few people would ever actually go
on a date. It’s important to have an idea of what you’re looking for in a
spouse, but let’s be honest- there’s very little that can be learned about
someone outside a significant interaction of some sort. For some people,
that can be accomplished through the development of a friendship, but it
eventually requires the next step in the form of an actual date.
Contrary to popular belief, you don’t actually have to know if
they’re “the one” before committing to dinner and a movie. Let’s not take
this so seriously, Amen?
Don’t
take it too lightly
I
know it sounds like I’m about to contradict myself, but bear with me. I
hold firm to the fact that you don’t need a commitment toward marriage from
date number 1, but I also believe that you should do yourself a favor by not taking
dating too lightly, either. You should always hold to a set of personal values
and beliefs that you are unwilling to compromise when it comes to getting to
know someone. Instead of just treating dates with the chance of the
lottery, always know what you’re looking for, and what
you want to avoid. If you know something is a
dead end from the start, don’t bother going down that path. Your time and
emotional energy is valuable, so decrease your risks by investing into
relationships that will build you up and challenge you no matter what the
outcome.
Be
Yourself.
Am
sorry but really, it has to be said.
There are far too many people out there trying to be someone they are not
or even worse, unaware of who they actually are. In order to be yourself,
you have to know yourself. Take the time to really get to the heart of
who you are, where you’ve been, and where you’re going and give others the
respect they deserve by displaying genuineness in your interactions. Allow
God’s word to reveal your identity to you.
Enjoy
your Time.
How
easy is it to get so hung up on this dating that it becomes more stressful than
enjoyable? Getting to know people should be a rewarding time of learning about
others. It’s a chance to get a glimpse of God in the people that He’s
made. There’s something really magnificent about that! Look for God
at work in your interactions with others, and have a good time.
Leave
with No Regrets.
The
easiest way to live a life of little regret is to make Godly choices. When it
comes to dating, it’s important to see it as an opportunity for good choices to
be made- rather than just focus on all the potential risks. Making good
choices involves setting healthy boundaries and limits in your emotional and
physical exchanges with others. Don’t give too much too fast with any
area of your life and learn to see trust as something that is earned, not
freely given. The best way to enjoy healthy dating is to do it in a way that
leaves you with no regrets. that is, been led by the Spirit of God.
Take
the Next Step.
No
matter what comes of your dating experience, it’s always important to do what’s
next. That may mean planning another date, or making the deliberate
decision not to. Either way, be clear with your intentions and the direction
that you’re heading with your dating relationship. Don’t let guilt or
fear hold you back either way. You owe commitment to no-one, but you
owe proper communication to all
(the people around you).
So, whether or not you decide to
call it “Christian Dating” is up to you. But either way, make a deliberate
choice to reflect the character of God in all your actions and interactions with
the opposite sex. And remember to have a good time!
May the Holy Spirit direct your
steps in Jesus Name, Amen.
Jesus Loves You.
Be Inspired!
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