I knew a girl in college who had recently gotten
married. She was pretty young at the
time, just barely out of her teen years. But, according to her, she had
met the love of her life. They hadn’t dated for very long, but the
chemistry between them was out of this world, she said. They just had to
get married, because they were burning with passion. In fact, now that they were
married- they were having crazy, hot sex like five times a day. She was
just gushing about this new relationship, and this young man who had swept her
off her feet.
On one hand, I was trying to wrap my brain around
this relationship that had happened so fast-
how well did they actually know each other? How committed was this
guy? How did things progress to the point of marriage so fast? But
on the other hand, part of me was a little jealous. This passionate
relationship of hers was one that I longed for…from my perspective as a 20-year-old
virgin, hot sex sounded pretty good!
I lost touch with my friend for a while, but when we
reconnected years after college she was in a far different place than the last
time I had saw her. This time, she was divorced.
Her life had taken a turn for the worse, and her relationship with the “love of
her life” had ended in infidelity, heart-break, and a whole lot of pain.
My heart went out to her, and still does.
Though she is now picking the pieces of her life back together- the prospect of
finding true love came at a high cost.
The truth of the matter is that everyone reading this post probably knows of
someone who has gone through a similar sort of situation. Sadly, we all
know of a couple whose marriage has lost its love. Passion
has turned to passivity. Romance
has turned into rage. Commitment
has turned into criticism. Love…is
no longer love at all.
My heart breaks when I hear stories like this, and
especially among followers of Christ.
It breaks because of the realization that sometimes, we go into this thing
called marriage so extremely ill-prepared. In fact, at Christian college, I so
often heard people talk of a couple’s marriage plans in terms of “how
long can they wait to have sex”- as though that was the determining point of
when to get married, rather than the bigger picture of creating a healthy,
nourished, God-honoring relationship that would stand the test of a life-long
commitment.
When
it comes to pursuing true love, so many times our focus as Christian young
adults is caught up in the romance, the sex, the chemistry that we’re looking
to one day have…while neglecting the things that really matter most at the end
of the day; while forgetting the ingredients that make up a really incredible
marriage.
I often hear the verse in 1 Corinthians 7:9 misinterpreted to mean that if you can’t control your sexual desires,
just go ahead and get married so that you can channel your sex drive
into your marriage. But what a partial interpretation
that is- because there is so much more to the story. Marriage is about so much
more than having sex. John
Piper puts it this way:
When
a person seeks to be married, knowing that as a single he or she would “burn
with passion,” it doesn’t have to mean that marriage becomes
a mere channel for the sex drive. Paul would never mean that in view of
Ephesians 5.
Instead
when a person marries…he takes his sexual desire, and he does the same thing
with it that we must all do with all our physical desires if we would make them
means of worship—1) he brings it into conformity to God’s word; 2) he
subordinates it to a higher pattern of love and care; 3) he transposes the
music of physical pleasure into the music of spiritual worship, 4) he listens
for the echoes of God’s goodness in every nerve; 5) he seeks to double his
pleasure by making her joy his joy; and 6) he gives thanks to God from the
bottom of his heart because he knows and he feels that he never deserved one
minute of this pleasure.
Losing
your virginity is but a speck in the picture of true marriage, because marriage
is a call to LOSE YOUR ENTIRE LIFE for the sake of another.
The
truth is, sex is the easy part.
A strong marriage is built on foundation of
love, service, and grace- in essence, a list of actions that speak so much
louder than words. Real marriage is not simply based
on crazy hot sex, no; it is based on so much more. It is rooted in the
tiny little decisions made in the day to day. It is rooted in forgiveness
and letting go of wrongs. It is founded in encouragement, edification,
and lifting each other up. It is grounded in humility and respect.
It is built on qualities that reflect nothing less than the heart of God -
loving His bride to the point of giving away His very life.
It is a love that gives all, but asks for nothing
less than all in return. It is a
love that is built on choice - in the easy moments and more so, choice in the
really hard moments.
Don’t sell yourself short on the picture of what a
real marriage is. Choose to engage in a
relationship that reflects the love of Christ on every single level.
Jesus
loves you so much.
Be
Inspired!
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